Saturday, January 29, 2011

Our very sad day

I have been debating for a few days now whether to blog about this or not.  I have gone back and forth about it and have finally decided that it's a story that I should share...for more reasons than one.

Wednesday morning, Caleb and I headed to the pool with our friends.  We had a good time.  We were the only ones in the kiddie section and we enjoyed spending time with our friends.  While we were in the pool, my stomach was hurting a little bit, but I really didn't pay that much attention to it and tried to forget that I was a little uncomfortable.

We stayed in the water for almost an hour and then decided it was time to change our clothes and leave.  Caleb and I said goodbye to our friends and headed for the family locker room.  When we got in there, I realized that I was bleeding.  This usually wouldn't be too big of a deal except for the fact that the day before I had gone to the doctor to confirm that I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  I immediately panicked.  I tried to call Seth but he didn't answer....I tried again (which I don't ever do if he doesn't answer the first time because that means he is in the middle of something at work and can't answer).  Thankfully, he picked up his phone and I managed to tell him that I was bleeding.  His tone changed and he told me to call my doctor.  I quickly got Caleb changed into dry clothes and went out to the car as fast as I could.  I called my doctor who told me I needed to go the ER and have an ultrasound.  I was already on base so I drove straight over to the ER and they were able to see me almost immediately.

Long story short, we spend 5 hours in the ER.  They took blood, twice...stuck 4 needles in me, did two ultrasounds.  While we were at the hospital, I miscarried our little baby.  I knew before the doctors did.  I tried to tell them that I already knew the baby was gone but they insisted on proving it and poking and prodding some more.  

Yesterday morning, I went back to the hospital to have more blood work drawn to confirm what I already knew.  My HCG levels were drastically low and consistently lowering.  My doctor was very sweet about the whole thing.  He calmly explained to me that I did indeed miscarry and that I would need to come back in a few days to make sure my HCG levels go all the way back down to zero.  He apologized that "things worked out this way".  I really appreciated his kind manner and thankful that he didn't play it down like it was no big deal and I was mostly thankful that he treated my baby like he/she was a baby created by God and not just a fetus like some doctors like to say.

I also had a great doctor in the ER when I went that first day.  Through my fighting tears, she explained to me that she was a Christian and that she believed God takes care of His children and that He knew that my little one just wouldn't have been able to make it on the outside, so He took him/her early. She said all of that while she patted Caleb's head and looked at him like he was an angel...making me realize even more how blessed I was.  I was so thankful that even in the midst of a very traumatic time, God had sent a doctor into my room who had the perfect words to say.  I didn't know and I still don't know why our little baby couldn't make it, but I know that God is a good God and that He was looking after me every step of the way.

baby at 6 weeks


We came home that night and I was exhausted and starving, even though I didn't feel like eating.  I had been up since 5:00 that morning and I had only eaten breakfast.  We didn't get home until 5:30 and all I wanted to do was take a bath and lay down.  Seth had to go back to work and tell his commander what was going on since he had missed half a day of work.  His commander was very nice about it and told Seth to take Thursday and Friday off to be home with me.  God's unexpected blessing to us, because I don't know what I would have done without Seth home these last few days.  His Lieutenant Colonel even took the time to personally call him and tell him he was sorry and that he was there for us if we needed anything...something he definitely did not have to do but did anyways and we so greatly appreciated it.

Since we hadn't told anyone that we were expecting, we weren't sure whether to tell anyone we had miscarried.  We thought about it for a while and decided that our families should know.  We wanted them to be able to pray for us and we also found some comfort in telling them what had happened.

I know that miscarriages happen every day and I also know that they usually don't have anything to do with something we did wrong. My doctor even told me that based on my extremely low HCG levels, he would guess that something went wrong from the very beginning with our little baby.  He thinks possibly even as early as when the cells divided.  But I still can't help but think back at everything that I did in those 6 weeks and wonder if I had done something differently, would the baby still be okay now? I feel like I failed my baby because my body just wasn't strong enough to give him/her the strength they needed. I know that I am just allowing Satan happiness when I dwell on those thoughts.  However, yesterday when my doctor told me that something was wrong from the very beginning, I finally had peace that it had nothing to do with anything I had done and everything to do with God's plan for our lives.

Today is day 4 of knowing that we have lost this little baby.  Each day seems a little easier but there is still that sickness in the pit of my stomach that I just can't get rid of.  I was able to get pretty good sleep last night but the worst part is waking up and feeling like you had a bad dream and then realizing that it wasn't a dream but a reality.

Caleb has been a huge distraction through all of this.  I look at him in such a different light.  I now see how big of a miracle he was and how God perfectly planned him for Seth and I.  He is so sweet and he has been such a good little boy these last few days.  We had told him that there was a baby in mommy's belly.  I would ask him where the baby was and he would come over and point at my tummy.  We tried to explain to him that the baby was in Heaven now, but I am not sure he quite grasps that concept.  Thankfully, he is still too little to understand what is really going on.

Seth has also been a great comfort.  He cleaned the house Thursday morning and took me out to lunch.  He even went thrifting with me, something that he doesn't like to do but he knows I love it and although I wasn't in the mood to thrift, it was still nice to get out of the house.  He also has taken care of Caleb and been there to listen to me and pray for me. He was very excited about the baby too and was extremely upset about everything but I am thankful that he has been so strong and through his disappointment has still been able to comfort me. He is just such a good husband and daddy.

I have been able to talk with a friend about her miscarriage and hear stories about others.  I even know a girl from an online mommy group that I am a part of that miscarried the same day as me and we were both 6 weeks along.  I know that I am not the only one who has ever gone through this and I know some people have had much worse miscarriages, but that doesn't make mine any easier or any less important.  Losing a baby will never be an easy thing, no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in.

My mom lost a baby when she was 10 weeks along.  I was able to talk to her about it and it gave me some comfort to know that she had gone through the same thing. I guess that it why I decided to share my story with you all.  I have found such comfort and support through others who have lost their babies as well and I thought that if I shared my story, I might be able to provide the same for someone else out there who is, has or will go through this same experience.  I also want other people to know that it's okay to be upset and mourn the loss of your baby, even if your doctor or others try to make it seem as though "it" was just a fetus, God knows that He created that little one and from that very first day of pregnancy, "it" was a real baby...a living baby.

I don't know why this happened but I do know that God has a plan for everything. God is good all the time and He is my ultimate comforter and strength.  I have a peace in knowing that God's timing is perfect, even when His timing doesn't match up with my timing and I know that He will bless us with another baby in His perfect timing.  He gives and He takes away.  I will praise Him in the good times and I will praise Him in the bad times.  

20 comments:

Angela said...

I'm sorry to hear that this happened, its heartbreaking to hear and cried a little as I read. Thank you for sharing your story though I'm sure it was hard. It sounds as though you have an amazing support system in family and friends :)

Amanda said...

*BIG HUGS*

I am so sorry for your loss. My second pregnancy was a miscarriage as well. I'm crying with you and know the heaviness in your heart that this has caused. If you want to talk with me about it, I'm here anytime. I want to share with you a poem that came with a little angel Tom got for me. I hope that it will bring you at least a little comfort.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddes word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves little children... Angels are hard to find.

Kristan said...

God will work all things to be good for those who love him. Also remember that the holy spirit is grieving with you in your loss. You are not alone, god is mourning too. Jesus cried when his friends lost lazarus even though he knew he was going to raise him. He is crying with you too. So am I.

Katherine Klegin said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. We will be praying that y'all will heal both physically and emotionally from this. You are a strong woman and it sounds like you have a great support system. Big hugs my friend.

Puttin' On The GRITS said...

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I will be praying for you.

Jordan Streetman said...

This is heartbreaking. I will be praying for peace for you and your family. I can't imagine the pain that you are going through, but remember that you are loved and an amazing women.

rob, jax & max: the harmon squad said...

I found your blog recently, and love reading it. You don't know me, but I'm sending big hugs your way; a miscarriage is always hard, no matter the circumstances. I'm so glad you had such understanding doctors and such a wonderful support system. I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, it was really hard but thanks to our faith we made it through ok. I wrote about it here: http://harmonsquad.blogspot.com/2008/11/life-is-funny.html, you don't have to read it but it did help me to hear of other's stories after mine.
We'll be praying for you.

Midwestern Gone Idahoan said...

There are NO words to make this better - but I am so sorry! I have not had to go through this - but I have helped 3 sister's through it. I can ONLY think about how painfull it is to your heart and to your hubby! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

JG said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now! Thank you so much for sharing your story, how God has lifted you up even in your sorrow. God IS good, all the time.

Stephanie@SweetTeaAndSunshine said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have been through this four times and I can tell you it never gets any easier, and I was so glad to read your "God is good ALL the time" bit. I am even more thankful that you had a good experience on base. Many times I have experienced less than stellar care there. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to e-mail me. May God continue to bring you peace in the days to come.

--Stephanie

Jen said...

I'm so sorry! I could not even imagine how you must feel. My friend from work had a miscariage at 10 weeks but since you're so fertile after it happens, she was a able to concieve here little girl 2 months later. I hope things work out for you and Seth and Caleb is blessed with a little brother or sister soon!

Trinka said...

I'm so sorry Kathlyn, but thankful for the comfort God provided in the midst of it.

Trinka (Kristen's sister-in-law)

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Hi, Kathlyn. I haven't experienced what you're going through, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am and let you know that I am saying a prayer for you and sending a *hug* your way.

Vanessa said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby 3 years ago on Mother's Day. I was 15 weeks along and it was one of the most difficult things I have gone through. It does help to have family, friends and a hubby to talk to and provide comfort. Thanks so much for posting. There are so many women who feel alone and weak when something like this happens. Praying that the Lord will continue to comfort you. God bless ~Vanessa XO

Belinda said...

I am so sorry. I had 2 back to back miscarriages between Landon and Liam. It is devastating to lose a baby. It really helped me to talk to others who had been through it. Someone told me a miscarriage is not a woman losing a pregnancy but a mother losing a child. There is no way I could have made it through that time without God. I truly felt his presence and his support. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. I'm praying for you!

Lisa and Josh said...

Not sure if you got my first comment or not, but I wanted to let you know that I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart breaks for you and Seth! I will be praying for you all! I admire your strength, and testament of faith during a difficult time like this. It is inspiring! Thank you for sharing...I am sure it was difficult.

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

I am so very sorry. After losing four babies, my heart literally hurts when I hear or read of others experiencing any sort of loss. it is the worst thing in the world but you had so many tender mercies manifested and I am so grateful the Lord did that for you.

Goodnight moon said...

Instead of posting a comment, I wrote you an email. I just wanted to let you know incase it went into your spam.

Thinking of you!!!!!

HUGS!

Meg said...

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that me and my husband just found out today that we miscarried. I really appreciate everything you wrote and feel the same way. It is so sad & I can't stop crying, but I know that God has our little 10 week old baby in Heaven with Him & I know that one day me and my husband will get to meet our little one.

It is so much more of a loss than I could have imagined. I know that I did not just lose a fetus, but a baby, my baby that was alive and has a soul. 2 weeks ago, we heard the heart beat & today there was just nothing.

It is still very fresh & raw for me, but I will bookmark this post and read it in the next coming days because I know it will bring me comfort.

My husband's commander also gave him a 5 day pass to be with me and our 10 month old daughter. This experience has made me so very thankful for the miracle that she is. She is just perfect.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know God uses your blog for His glofy!

Crochet and Chihuahuas said...

I lost our 2nd baby on Dec 31st 2010. My 6 year old had to go through it with me since my hubby was gone on assorted Army duties and we're all alone here. It's painful and the closer I get to my would be due date the harder it gets.