Our very sad day

I have been debating for a few days now whether to blog about this or not.  I have gone back and forth about it and have finally decided that it's a story that I should share...for more reasons than one.

Wednesday morning, Caleb and I headed to the pool with our friends.  We had a good time.  We were the only ones in the kiddie section and we enjoyed spending time with our friends.  While we were in the pool, my stomach was hurting a little bit, but I really didn't pay that much attention to it and tried to forget that I was a little uncomfortable.

We stayed in the water for almost an hour and then decided it was time to change our clothes and leave.  Caleb and I said goodbye to our friends and headed for the family locker room.  When we got in there, I realized that I was bleeding.  This usually wouldn't be too big of a deal except for the fact that the day before I had gone to the doctor to confirm that I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  I immediately panicked.  I tried to call Seth but he didn't answer....I tried again (which I don't ever do if he doesn't answer the first time because that means he is in the middle of something at work and can't answer).  Thankfully, he picked up his phone and I managed to tell him that I was bleeding.  His tone changed and he told me to call my doctor.  I quickly got Caleb changed into dry clothes and went out to the car as fast as I could.  I called my doctor who told me I needed to go the ER and have an ultrasound.  I was already on base so I drove straight over to the ER and they were able to see me almost immediately.

Long story short, we spend 5 hours in the ER.  They took blood, twice...stuck 4 needles in me, did two ultrasounds.  While we were at the hospital, I miscarried our little baby.  I knew before the doctors did.  I tried to tell them that I already knew the baby was gone but they insisted on proving it and poking and prodding some more.  

Yesterday morning, I went back to the hospital to have more blood work drawn to confirm what I already knew.  My HCG levels were drastically low and consistently lowering.  My doctor was very sweet about the whole thing.  He calmly explained to me that I did indeed miscarry and that I would need to come back in a few days to make sure my HCG levels go all the way back down to zero.  He apologized that "things worked out this way".  I really appreciated his kind manner and thankful that he didn't play it down like it was no big deal and I was mostly thankful that he treated my baby like he/she was a baby created by God and not just a fetus like some doctors like to say.

I also had a great doctor in the ER when I went that first day.  Through my fighting tears, she explained to me that she was a Christian and that she believed God takes care of His children and that He knew that my little one just wouldn't have been able to make it on the outside, so He took him/her early. She said all of that while she patted Caleb's head and looked at him like he was an angel...making me realize even more how blessed I was.  I was so thankful that even in the midst of a very traumatic time, God had sent a doctor into my room who had the perfect words to say.  I didn't know and I still don't know why our little baby couldn't make it, but I know that God is a good God and that He was looking after me every step of the way.

baby at 6 weeks

We came home that night and I was exhausted and starving, even though I didn't feel like eating.  I had been up since 5:00 that morning and I had only eaten breakfast.  We didn't get home until 5:30 and all I wanted to do was take a bath and lay down.  Seth had to go back to work and tell his commander what was going on since he had missed half a day of work.  His commander was very nice about it and told Seth to take Thursday and Friday off to be home with me.  God's unexpected blessing to us, because I don't know what I would have done without Seth home these last few days.  His Lieutenant Colonel even took the time to personally call him and tell him he was sorry and that he was there for us if we needed anything...something he definitely did not have to do but did anyways and we so greatly appreciated it.

Since we hadn't told anyone that we were expecting, we weren't sure whether to tell anyone we had miscarried.  We thought about it for a while and decided that our families should know.  We wanted them to be able to pray for us and we also found some comfort in telling them what had happened.

I know that miscarriages happen every day and I also know that they usually don't have anything to do with something we did wrong. My doctor even told me that based on my extremely low HCG levels, he would guess that something went wrong from the very beginning with our little baby.  He thinks possibly even as early as when the cells divided.  But I still can't help but think back at everything that I did in those 6 weeks and wonder if I had done something differently, would the baby still be okay now? I feel like I failed my baby because my body just wasn't strong enough to give him/her the strength they needed. I know that I am just allowing Satan happiness when I dwell on those thoughts.  However, yesterday when my doctor told me that something was wrong from the very beginning, I finally had peace that it had nothing to do with anything I had done and everything to do with God's plan for our lives.

Today is day 4 of knowing that we have lost this little baby.  Each day seems a little easier but there is still that sickness in the pit of my stomach that I just can't get rid of.  I was able to get pretty good sleep last night but the worst part is waking up and feeling like you had a bad dream and then realizing that it wasn't a dream but a reality.

Caleb has been a huge distraction through all of this.  I look at him in such a different light.  I now see how big of a miracle he was and how God perfectly planned him for Seth and I.  He is so sweet and he has been such a good little boy these last few days.  We had told him that there was a baby in mommy's belly.  I would ask him where the baby was and he would come over and point at my tummy.  We tried to explain to him that the baby was in Heaven now, but I am not sure he quite grasps that concept.  Thankfully, he is still too little to understand what is really going on.

Seth has also been a great comfort.  He cleaned the house Thursday morning and took me out to lunch.  He even went thrifting with me, something that he doesn't like to do but he knows I love it and although I wasn't in the mood to thrift, it was still nice to get out of the house.  He also has taken care of Caleb and been there to listen to me and pray for me. He was very excited about the baby too and was extremely upset about everything but I am thankful that he has been so strong and through his disappointment has still been able to comfort me. He is just such a good husband and daddy.

I have been able to talk with a friend about her miscarriage and hear stories about others.  I even know a girl from an online mommy group that I am a part of that miscarried the same day as me and we were both 6 weeks along.  I know that I am not the only one who has ever gone through this and I know some people have had much worse miscarriages, but that doesn't make mine any easier or any less important.  Losing a baby will never be an easy thing, no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in.

My mom lost a baby when she was 10 weeks along.  I was able to talk to her about it and it gave me some comfort to know that she had gone through the same thing. I guess that it why I decided to share my story with you all.  I have found such comfort and support through others who have lost their babies as well and I thought that if I shared my story, I might be able to provide the same for someone else out there who is, has or will go through this same experience.  I also want other people to know that it's okay to be upset and mourn the loss of your baby, even if your doctor or others try to make it seem as though "it" was just a fetus, God knows that He created that little one and from that very first day of pregnancy, "it" was a real baby...a living baby.

I don't know why this happened but I do know that God has a plan for everything. God is good all the time and He is my ultimate comforter and strength.  I have a peace in knowing that God's timing is perfect, even when His timing doesn't match up with my timing and I know that He will bless us with another baby in His perfect timing.  He gives and He takes away.  I will praise Him in the good times and I will praise Him in the bad times.