Monday, January 31, 2011

A new day

I've always known I am a morning person.  I am always the first one up in my house and there is something so calm and peaceful about walking into my dark living room when it's cold and quiet. My chair is always sitting there waiting for me to come and warm it up. I love being the first one up. I get to drink my coffee in total silence and I get to sit and think about anything I choose in the complete quiet of my living room.

Another reason why I love mornings has showed itself in this past week though.  I have come to realize that mornings are a fresh start.  They are a new chance at a new day...a second chance at a failure or a first chance at a dream.  Every morning holds endless possibilities.  We get to choose a new outfit, eat a new breakfast and decide whether we are going to be productive or not.  We have the chance to make good choices and move on from bad ones.  We have the opportunity to allow ourselves to mourn and grieve and the next morning we have the same opportunity to allow our wounds to heal...even the deep ones.  Every morning we have the choice of remembering who we are and why we are here.  We get to count our blessings, forget our failures and give ourselves another chance at living.  God is the only one who knows how many mornings we have left here on this earth and I really don't want to waste my last morning...whenever it may be.

This morning Caleb and I took some pictures together.  We were running late but you never know when you might miss your last chance to capture a precious moment.

God gave us a rainy morning.  He allowed the rain to come down and help wash away a little more of our pain.  He allowed me to rediscover my life and to hold on tight to all of my blessings.  God has helped me to stop and look at Caleb a little longer, to be a little more grateful of the miracle He has given to me and the joy that Caleb brings my heart.

This morning I was given the chance to live, really live, in the present, look forward to all the wonderful things the future may hold, remember my past without letting it wear me down and be grateful for all of the difficulties I have and will encounter because I know it is God shaping and molding me into a stronger person.

I'm thankful that my past doesn't define my future and I am thankful that today and every day from here on out is a new start.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Our very sad day

I have been debating for a few days now whether to blog about this or not.  I have gone back and forth about it and have finally decided that it's a story that I should share...for more reasons than one.

Wednesday morning, Caleb and I headed to the pool with our friends.  We had a good time.  We were the only ones in the kiddie section and we enjoyed spending time with our friends.  While we were in the pool, my stomach was hurting a little bit, but I really didn't pay that much attention to it and tried to forget that I was a little uncomfortable.

We stayed in the water for almost an hour and then decided it was time to change our clothes and leave.  Caleb and I said goodbye to our friends and headed for the family locker room.  When we got in there, I realized that I was bleeding.  This usually wouldn't be too big of a deal except for the fact that the day before I had gone to the doctor to confirm that I was about 6 weeks pregnant.  I immediately panicked.  I tried to call Seth but he didn't answer....I tried again (which I don't ever do if he doesn't answer the first time because that means he is in the middle of something at work and can't answer).  Thankfully, he picked up his phone and I managed to tell him that I was bleeding.  His tone changed and he told me to call my doctor.  I quickly got Caleb changed into dry clothes and went out to the car as fast as I could.  I called my doctor who told me I needed to go the ER and have an ultrasound.  I was already on base so I drove straight over to the ER and they were able to see me almost immediately.

Long story short, we spend 5 hours in the ER.  They took blood, twice...stuck 4 needles in me, did two ultrasounds.  While we were at the hospital, I miscarried our little baby.  I knew before the doctors did.  I tried to tell them that I already knew the baby was gone but they insisted on proving it and poking and prodding some more.  

Yesterday morning, I went back to the hospital to have more blood work drawn to confirm what I already knew.  My HCG levels were drastically low and consistently lowering.  My doctor was very sweet about the whole thing.  He calmly explained to me that I did indeed miscarry and that I would need to come back in a few days to make sure my HCG levels go all the way back down to zero.  He apologized that "things worked out this way".  I really appreciated his kind manner and thankful that he didn't play it down like it was no big deal and I was mostly thankful that he treated my baby like he/she was a baby created by God and not just a fetus like some doctors like to say.

I also had a great doctor in the ER when I went that first day.  Through my fighting tears, she explained to me that she was a Christian and that she believed God takes care of His children and that He knew that my little one just wouldn't have been able to make it on the outside, so He took him/her early. She said all of that while she patted Caleb's head and looked at him like he was an angel...making me realize even more how blessed I was.  I was so thankful that even in the midst of a very traumatic time, God had sent a doctor into my room who had the perfect words to say.  I didn't know and I still don't know why our little baby couldn't make it, but I know that God is a good God and that He was looking after me every step of the way.

baby at 6 weeks

We came home that night and I was exhausted and starving, even though I didn't feel like eating.  I had been up since 5:00 that morning and I had only eaten breakfast.  We didn't get home until 5:30 and all I wanted to do was take a bath and lay down.  Seth had to go back to work and tell his commander what was going on since he had missed half a day of work.  His commander was very nice about it and told Seth to take Thursday and Friday off to be home with me.  God's unexpected blessing to us, because I don't know what I would have done without Seth home these last few days.  His Lieutenant Colonel even took the time to personally call him and tell him he was sorry and that he was there for us if we needed anything...something he definitely did not have to do but did anyways and we so greatly appreciated it.

Since we hadn't told anyone that we were expecting, we weren't sure whether to tell anyone we had miscarried.  We thought about it for a while and decided that our families should know.  We wanted them to be able to pray for us and we also found some comfort in telling them what had happened.

I know that miscarriages happen every day and I also know that they usually don't have anything to do with something we did wrong. My doctor even told me that based on my extremely low HCG levels, he would guess that something went wrong from the very beginning with our little baby.  He thinks possibly even as early as when the cells divided.  But I still can't help but think back at everything that I did in those 6 weeks and wonder if I had done something differently, would the baby still be okay now? I feel like I failed my baby because my body just wasn't strong enough to give him/her the strength they needed. I know that I am just allowing Satan happiness when I dwell on those thoughts.  However, yesterday when my doctor told me that something was wrong from the very beginning, I finally had peace that it had nothing to do with anything I had done and everything to do with God's plan for our lives.

Today is day 4 of knowing that we have lost this little baby.  Each day seems a little easier but there is still that sickness in the pit of my stomach that I just can't get rid of.  I was able to get pretty good sleep last night but the worst part is waking up and feeling like you had a bad dream and then realizing that it wasn't a dream but a reality.

Caleb has been a huge distraction through all of this.  I look at him in such a different light.  I now see how big of a miracle he was and how God perfectly planned him for Seth and I.  He is so sweet and he has been such a good little boy these last few days.  We had told him that there was a baby in mommy's belly.  I would ask him where the baby was and he would come over and point at my tummy.  We tried to explain to him that the baby was in Heaven now, but I am not sure he quite grasps that concept.  Thankfully, he is still too little to understand what is really going on.

Seth has also been a great comfort.  He cleaned the house Thursday morning and took me out to lunch.  He even went thrifting with me, something that he doesn't like to do but he knows I love it and although I wasn't in the mood to thrift, it was still nice to get out of the house.  He also has taken care of Caleb and been there to listen to me and pray for me. He was very excited about the baby too and was extremely upset about everything but I am thankful that he has been so strong and through his disappointment has still been able to comfort me. He is just such a good husband and daddy.

I have been able to talk with a friend about her miscarriage and hear stories about others.  I even know a girl from an online mommy group that I am a part of that miscarried the same day as me and we were both 6 weeks along.  I know that I am not the only one who has ever gone through this and I know some people have had much worse miscarriages, but that doesn't make mine any easier or any less important.  Losing a baby will never be an easy thing, no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in.

My mom lost a baby when she was 10 weeks along.  I was able to talk to her about it and it gave me some comfort to know that she had gone through the same thing. I guess that it why I decided to share my story with you all.  I have found such comfort and support through others who have lost their babies as well and I thought that if I shared my story, I might be able to provide the same for someone else out there who is, has or will go through this same experience.  I also want other people to know that it's okay to be upset and mourn the loss of your baby, even if your doctor or others try to make it seem as though "it" was just a fetus, God knows that He created that little one and from that very first day of pregnancy, "it" was a real baby...a living baby.

I don't know why this happened but I do know that God has a plan for everything. God is good all the time and He is my ultimate comforter and strength.  I have a peace in knowing that God's timing is perfect, even when His timing doesn't match up with my timing and I know that He will bless us with another baby in His perfect timing.  He gives and He takes away.  I will praise Him in the good times and I will praise Him in the bad times.  

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Swim time


The diving board, Weston-super-Mare lido, 1937

Land Ahoy!

We are going to an indoor, heated pool today with friends...and we are ecstatic.  Time to get out of this house and forget that it's cold and rainy outside!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Spring Dreamin'

Yesterday was a glimmer of spring weather hope for me!  It was in the 60's and the sun was shining.  I even worked on a furniture re-do piece outside and took Caleb on a walk.  It was wonderful!  A very nice change from being stuck inside all day, keeping warm.  I realize that I still have about a month and a half before things really start looking springy, but my mind is already racing.  I saw some grape and berry plants this weekend and Seth and I have decided that we are going to have a fruit garden this year instead of a vegetable one (although I am still going to plant my tomato plant in my topsy turvy!)    It just makes sense because Caleb loves fruit and I always feel guilty buying the regular fruit at the store because of the chemicals, but I just can't bring myself to paying $6 a pint for the organic strawberries!!!  I planted strawberries last year, and they didn't do so hot but I heard that the second season of your strawberry plants is usually the year you will see the fruit....I can only hope so.  
Caleb loves that we have a garden too.  His reason's are different then mine though.  He loves to help me water it, and get soaking wet in the meantime and he just loves going outside and playing while I pull weeds and try to keep my plants from dying!  Our backyard is not that big and Caleb is still a little small for a big swing set, but I still have my eye out for an awesome swing set for him that he can have one day!  I don't know how many of you have heard of CSN stores but they not only have great toys for kids (and really just about anything else!) but they also have great swing sets for kids.

I looked around the website and found some of my all time favorite outdoor toys:

Seriously, is this not the coolest??? I would have fun on that thing!!! It's a Gorilla Playset.

Caleb actually has this one.  It's perfect for a 1-3 year old, it's easy to move around and store and Caleb LOVES it!  We even brought it inside the other day and he has fun letting his army men "slide" down the slide.  One of my top outdoor toy recommendations!

Okay guys...this is my top pick for Caleb's big birthday present.  He has a birthday in a few weeks and I am ordering it from CSN stores...I just have to decide what I want to get him!  We originally were going to order a train table, but have realized that we just don't have room in the house for it right now.  So, we decided that an outdoor toy would be the best I just have to talk Seth into this one :)  Isn't it super cool???

Anyone else spring dreaming with me???  I realllllllly want to wear a dress and flip flops too!!! :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Love in any language

My latest etsy creations:

tea time tea bag tea cup (a lot of tea going on around here!)

Dictionary Mug- Optimism...a great reminder in the morning to be in a "state of having positive beliefs" :-D

"EAT"- in case you need a reminder. Large letters for the kitchen.

I hope you all have a GREAT Saturday!  Ours is off to a late start...we stayed up late with some of Seth's friends.  Even Caleb had a good time:
 Thankfully we have some yummy donuts and coffee to wake us up and maybe a triperoo to Barnes and Noble later to play with choo choo's (and I get to look through design magazines :))

Thursday, January 20, 2011

More joy than a new pair of shoes can offer

  I am sitting in my living room.  Seth is at work and Caleb is sleeping.  It's so quiet and it's the perfect time for me to pull out my Bible and try to understand the all the lessons God has in store for me in Isaiah.  I started in chapter 2 and I decided to pull out "The Message" Bible.  This translation is a great one for any of you who, like me, have a hard time reading and understanding the Bible. I would highly recommend this translation of the Bible and if you don't have the money to go out and purchase it, has the entire Bible in "The Message" translation for free!

I barely got through half of chapter 2 before my mind started racing.  Here is what I came across in verses 6-9 "God, you've walked out on your family Jacob 
   because their world is full of hokey religion,
Philistine witchcraft, and pagan hocus-pocus, 
   a world rolling in wealth,
Stuffed with things, 
   no end to its machines and gadgets,
And gods—gods of all sorts and sizes. 
   These people make their own gods and worship what they make.
A degenerate race, facedown in the gutter. 
   Don't bother with them! They're not worth forgiving!"

Oh wow!  Can you even believe that Isaiah wrote this, preached this, hundreds of years ago???  As I read it I could only think of the world that I am living in now.  "A world rolling in wealth...stuffed with THINGS, no end to it's machines and gadgets..."  America is definitely rolling in wealth.  If you live in a house, of any size or condition, you are considered wealthier than most of the rest of the world.  If you have options for what you will have for dinner tonight, you are wealthier than most of the rest of the world.  I can only stop and think about our "machines".  How many of us have new cars?  I do.  I am not saying that anything is wrong with having new vehicles... but I do believe that a re-evaluation may need to take place if you're driveway is loaded with new vehicles, motorcycles, etc. and you don't take the time to give any of your money to God.  If our love for cars become more important than our love for Christ and our love for His people, boy do we have a problem.  What about Ipad's or Kindle's?  Do we spend more time with our gadgets than we do with God? What about facebook and blogging and tweeting?  I sit here just as guilty as the next person.  

In Bible study, we talked about how some people aren't interested in studying the Bible because it's just an old book that has no relevance to their lives...stories from years ago that are just stories.  I can't imagine that same person reading this chapter and not seeing the correlation between the world Isaiah was living in and the world we are living in now.  The same sins & temptations are there!  Now obviously they didn't have ipads or kindles, but they had other "gadgets" that were just as distracting.  They made "things" their god, just like our world does.

My question for all of us is this, where are we going to let our priorities lie?  Are we going to let Satan win and allow ourselves to be consumed by this world?  To hold celebrities or even other spiritual leaders on a pedestal higher than God's?  To be consumed with the latest fashions and gadgets, so much that we neglect God? Listen, God wants us to have fun.  I can only imagine that He finds joy when He sees us looking in the mirror ourselves in our new outfit and how happy we are.  At the same time though, He is just begging for us to open His word and feel that same "new outfit" joy as we learn from Him and as we begin a relationship with Him.  Girls, let me just tell ya, if you think you are happy when you find a cute pair of shoes, that's nothing compared to the happiness you can find when you spend time with Christ!  He is your heavenly Father and He just wants you to spend time with Him.  I am certainly not preaching to you because to be completely honest, this is my greatest downfall...spending time with Christ.  Will you join me as we try our very hardest to deepen our relationship with Him?  To let Him be number one in our lives and to allow Him to give us the joy that surpasses all else?  I hope you will because I'm certain that if you do, He is going to change your world!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

DIY Fabric Felt Flower Wreath

It's Tutorial Time!
This is such an easy, inexpensive wreath and would look fabulous on your front door.  The fabric combination possibilities are endless and they also make great gifts.

Here's what you need:
~A wreath, your choice of size.  I am using a 10" one.
~Fabric (about 1/2 a yard, depending on wreath size)
~Straight pins
~Floral pearl pins

Step One:
Cut fabric into strips about 2-3 inches wide

Step 2:
Pin the narrow edge of a fabric strip securely to the wreath

Step 3:
Wrap wreath and continue pinning fabric securely onto wreath until the entire wreath is covered in fabric.

Step 4:
Cut circles out of your felt.  These can be as little or big as you would like and the circle doesn't have to be perfect.

Step 5:
Fold circle in half and then fold the half circle in half again.

Step 6:
Pin the "flower" onto the wreath.  

Continue pinning the flowers until you feel you have enough flower power going on.

Step 7:
Pop open those pearl floral pins and start randomly poking them in the wreath (making sure not to poke all the way through!)

And VOILA!!!

If you make your own fabric wreath, I'd love to see pics!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Mommy and Me Giveaway!

Hey Guys!  Sorry this post is short but I had to tell you about a giveaway of one of my peacock teacups going on right now at Mommy and Me Giveaways!  Check it out and good luck :) 

I have better posts just waiting to be of which I am really excited about it a fabric wreath tutorial that I will post later this week.  I am trying to re-coop from our fun weekend in Birmingham.  My sweet hubby had a four day and decided we should have some fun.  The highlights from our trip were: California Pizza Kitchen, ANTHROPOLOGIE and all of us piled up on the bed watching TV together in the hotel room :)  I love staying at hotels!!! 

I have yet to enter an Anthropologie and not be totally inspired by all of their amazing things.  Here are some of my weekend Anthro fav's:

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Domino Effect

My inner decorator is coming out full force today.  Caleb and I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and I grabbed a few books to look at while he played with the choo choo's.  One of which was Domino: The Book of Decorating.  Oh. My. Word.  If you haven't ever looked at that book and you are interested in any sort of home decorating, you should run, not walk, to your nearest bookstore and look through it.  It is packed full of beautiful decorating ideas.  At some point in the next year, Caleb will be moving out of his crib into a big boy bed.  I am really excited about transforming the current guest room into a room that is perfect for him and this book has given me a million ideas.  They cover every room in the house and more. They give you ideas on how you can arrange your furniture, how big of a TV you should have depending on the size of your living room...etc.  It's a great book even for those of you who don't feel like you know how to decorate too because it teaches you how!  Have I said enough about this book yet???  Okay, I'm done.  I will just leave you with a little taste of Domino design.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Yesterday morning I caught Caleb with my camera.  He had set it up on the Tv stand and was standing and dancing in front of it saying "CHEESE!".  I decided to help him out a bit and set my timer on my camera.  He thought that was the coolest.

Woops! Distracted by Sesame Street....again.....gets him every time!

Besides setting the timer, I didn't help him at all (you will realize this if you notice me sitting in the background).  He was doing his own little photoshoot!  I wonder where he learned that from???